Most couples who feel stuck keep having one argument. The subject might be money one week and the kids the next, but it tends to go the same way each time.
When a conversation with your spouse gets tense, you probably make one of two moves. You may move toward the problem and want to talk it through right away, keeping at it until something feels settled. Or you may move away from it by going quiet or leaving the room until things cool down.
Both moves usually come from a good place, a wish to feel close again or to keep things from getting worse. The trouble starts when the two moves feed each other. When one person pushes, the other pulls back, which leads the first person to push harder. The cycle repeats no matter what the argument started about.
A counselor once asked my wife and me to imagine we were both on the same side of the table, facing the problem together. This tool helps you see the pattern you’d be facing.
Marriage researchers and therapists have studied this pattern for decades, including Andrew Christensen, who called it demand and withdraw, and Dr. Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy. The statements below are my own, written for coaching conversations. They aren’t a clinical assessment.
Think about the last few times things got tense between you and your spouse. For each statement, choose how often it’s true of you. Answer for yourself, not your spouse. It takes about three minutes.
Your answers stay on this page. Nothing is saved or sent.
Knowing which way you lean helps. Changing a pattern you’ve repeated for years usually takes practice and someone outside it who can see both sides. A free 15-minute Q&A is a good place to start. You can come together or on your own.
Schedule a free Q&A